free

We were on the opposite side of the island.

Parked in a public lot and took a long walk

to show the kids where we visited Hawaii before.

The bathing suits were back in the car.

The sun was setting and the lot would be closing.

There wasn't time to go back and get them.

And they were begging. 

Begging,  "Please can we just go in? Please?  Please?"

And at first I was giving all the rational

reasons why the answer was no.

And then I thought why?

Why am I saying no?

What does it really matter?

So I said, "OK, just go for it."

Their response was sheer glee,

and these pictures are absolutely priceless to me.

Because I think we all need reminders 

to check why we're saying no.

When really there's no harm.

And the yes, well, it's so much more freeing and fun.

This trip opened my eyes to something.

To the fact that in the last bit of the school year

with the weight of so much driving and so many obligations

I had forgotten to just play.

My to do list, my responsibilities, my planning ahead,

without even realizing it I click into 'go' mode

pretty much all the time.

Until I sit down at night 

and then I promptly fall asleep.

I'm not joking.

It's pathetic really.

But in Hawaii 

I was immersed in play.

Every single day.

I boogie boarded & jumped in the waves 

for the first time in a long, long time.

I waded in freezing water through slimy, rocky paths

to get to a beautiful waterfall.

I snorkeled again and again.

One day with turtles.

Another, schools and schools of fish, even a shark.

It felt like I was in another world.

The weightlessness. 

The array of colors.

The beauty of God's creation.

So much beneath that surface we usually see.

I wanted to stay in those moments forever.  

I joined my kids in swinging from the branches

of a beautiful old tree,

and I felt free.

I want to move here.

Because I like this me.

The one that plays.

The one that's free.

But I know it's a vacation and that's the whole point.

You don't have all the responsibilities you do at home.

But upon returning I'm very aware of how I need

to hold onto more of that playful me

in my every day.

And I'm also aware of how easy it is 

for my old patterns to kick in.

So I'm determined to make an effort to play.

And I'm putting it out here in hopes that

it will keep me accountable.

I never did manage to choose a word for 2012.

I had so many ideas back when the new year was coming around.

But I never decided.  Never committed.  Never wrote it down.

And time kept ticking and it felt too late.

But it's never too late to make a new commitment right.

And finally I know what word I need, because it chose me.

So, with the beginning of the school year

I'm declaring this a year of play.

I don't want to lose this carefree me.

And I know they don't either. 

But seriously...I still want to move to Hawaii!