broken

The interesting thing about being broken is it isn't a once and for all thing.

It can happen again, and again, and yet again.

I typically am a cheerleader for the broken.

Professing to friends, it's good.  It is.

Because from the broken, God is so near.

It's where you stop striving.

You hand it all over.

And you are built back up so much stronger.

Have courage, I say.  

This is a good place to be.

At the end of yourself.

I don't say it quite this abruptly.

But you get the picture.

I've walked these roads.

And I've come through the other side.

Stronger.

Better.

Closer to God.

The problem is.

That broken place, 

when you're right smack in the middle of it.

It doesn't feel good.

Not one bit at all.

The hope.

The joy.

The peace of the Lord.

In moments it can feel far away.

This summer I hit that place.

That absolute end, broken place.

The I can't take one more issue, one more fight,

one more problem.

The little, the big.

All of it, piled one on top of the other.

This past year has been a marathon of sorts.

A race of endurance.

Problem is, the summer has been the same.

And my resources were dwindling.

Down to nothing.

I had nothing more to give.

And I hit the wall.

The messes, the chaos, the fighting, the unresolved everything.

There were so many things making me feel like I was unraveling.

Things that have felt unstable, uncertain, overwhelming.

I'm the first to profess turning it all over.

Resting in God.

But there are times when you collapse and you forget how.

I texted my husband, who has been away working.

I'm breaking.

Breaking.

Really, truly, I am depleted.

When you get home I need to be alone.

I need to get away.

And so he said ok, Monday you can go.

With just a couple of days notice 

I started thinking, where would I like to go.

Where could I go.

What do I want to do?

Topping my list was Ojai.

A place of rest for me.

One of many memories.

One where I prayed that I could quiet my soul.

And where the Lord would meet me.

Right where I was.  Ugliness and all.

The minute I rounded into town I felt it.  

Like a deep breath.

A sigh, an exhale.

A washing over me.

Beckoning me to calm.

And I made a self-imposed rule, 

 not to check my email,

instagram, 

facebook.  

Ok I slipped a little at first.

It's hard decompressing when we're used to this 

everything at your fingertips pace.

I also forced myself to not be too friendly.

That sounds bad I know.

But so often I start talking.

I love meeting people.

Learning about their lives, their stories.

 Listening and caring.

But I knew the more I did that,

the more I'd prevent myself from going deeper

into the quiet I so desperately needed.

So I sort of made myself a recluse.

Creating my own silent retreat.

Just me and Jesus.

Because it takes time to be still.

And time to hear.

Lately at home, in the little moments where I try to refuel.

I'm too often, too soon pulled away by the needs, 

the dog, the chicken coop,

the early waking child, the laundry, the dishes.

I'm not focused.

And I can feel it, the absence of the quiet.

The absence of oneness with the One who gives strength.

And it's my own fault.

Life circumstances.

Not His.

Because He's always calling.

Each day, this devotional was absolutely

so fitting for right where I was.

I know full well, this was not an accident.

"Your mind will wander from Me, 

but the question is how far you allow it to wander.

An anchor on a short rope 

lets a boat drift only slightly 

before the taut line tugs the boat back 

toward the center.  

Similarly, as you drift away from Me, 

My Spirit within you gives a tug, 

prompting you to return to Me."

(excerpt from Jesus Calling 7.29)

My breaking was bringing me back to the center.

The spirit was tugging me back to Him.

This mom journey, it's an interesting thing.

The more my life has turned to caring for others

I realize it takes getting away for me to remember what it feels like to just be me.

Just me.

A woman, a child of God.

Not a mom, a wife, a teacher,

not a chauffeur, a scheduler, or a chef.

Not a researcher of all problems presented, 

not a planner,

nor a keeper of appointments.

Just me.

A girl who likes nature and tea,

 sunsets and poetry.

A girl who thinks deeply and feels strongly.  

A girl who studies colors

and subtle songs.

A girl who sometimes feels like a bird

who wants to fly, but is caged by

all the emergencies.

A girl who feels guilty even writing these words.

But this day.  This day I woke to think,

what would I like to do today?

This one full day, dedicated to just the things that fill my soul.

Briskly hiking through town up into the hills, 

a glorious way to welcome the morning.

The views of the valley below, the rows and rows

of neatly lined orchards

revealed as the foggy layers dissolved away.

Breathtaking beauty. 

 He called again.

"Worship ME in the beauty of holiness.  I created beauty to declare the existence of My holy Being.  A magnificent rose, a hauntingly glorious sunset, oceanic splendor - all these things were meant to proclaim My Presence in the world....How precious are My children who are awed by nature's beauty; this opens them up to My holy Presence." 

(excerpt from Jesus Calling 7.30)

I felt the opening to His holy presence.

This hike lasted over two-hours. 

I just kept going, higher and higher.

My muscles stretched, blood flowing strong, the swift walk breathed life into my lungs.

And I returned hungry, just in time to make breakfast at the charming B&B.

I like learning about the history of a place.

That brick wall behind the stove, it's original to this historic building.

This site, was the location of the town's first one room school house in 1874.

Then belonging to the mayor, then an extended stay hotel before 

becoming a bed and breakfast.

To think of the heritage, the lives lived out inside these walls.

I splurged on a day at the spa at one of the most beautiful Inns.

A place that holds many memories.

Through the years we've celebrated anniversaries,

early ones to milestones,

trips with our four legged first baby bella,

and babymoons.

I didn't anticipate all these visits, snapshots of time gone by to come flooding in,

flashing before my eyes.

It made me both sentimental and sad.

The passing of time.

But I tell myself you're making new memories today.

A prayerful retreat alone.

Bathing yourself with healing balm for your soul.

To spend the day

walking the grounds, 

breathing in the lavender,

drinking the infused water, 

to read, to nap,

to draw.   

To think, to dream,

to be inspired.

To just take care of you.

Peace.

We're promised it

by our Heavenly Father.

But why sometimes is it so hard to find?

The swirling and whirling of life's demands.

It takes pulling ourselves out of it all sometimes.

Giving space for the quiet.

In order to hear.

To really hear.

What was happening to me

is I couldn't stop the spinning.

I couldn't be still long enough

to hear.

And I was starving.

I was trying.

And striving.

But it wasn't sinking deep enough.

Or lasting long enough.

But in my wandering

through the old and new,

the quaint and quirky

I found without an agenda,

my only goal was to go where God would lead me,

and to rest in Him.

And I felt more free.

I drove to a place I had been before.

Many years ago.

It's called meditation mount.

It's all about quieting the spirit.

Being that this is Ojai, 

I know that this mount isn't dedicated to the Lord. 

But rather all kinds of meditation.

That doesn't mean I can't claim it for Jesus.

And rejoice in His beauty, His creation.

And seek Him right there in the peace of meditation mount. 

I know that He is well acquainted with mounts.

And the need to withdraw to quiet places.

And I just wanted to sit and seek Him.

I once was told by a bible study teacher to practice

just being with Jesus for 15 minutes.  

Don't talk to him.

Don't think.

Don't distract yourself.

It's so much harder to do than it seems.

To remain completely blank.

To stop your mind.

But I sat for a long, long time.

I listened 

to the whir of the hummingbird's wings,

the rustle of the lizard,

the chirp of the birds,

their varied voices,

the buzzing of a bee,

the breeze of the air.

I felt the pressure of the warmth on my skin

shift to the bristle of the cool wind.

I took in the large expanse,

and the minute detail.

And He called to me again.

Right where I was.

Do you see the shadows from the tree's leaves

dancing on the page?

Smiling with this message, meant just for me.

"Slow down your pace of living for a time.  

Quiet your mind in My Presence.

Then you will be able to hear Me 

bestowing the resurrection blessing:

Peace be with you."

(excerpt from Jesus Calling 7.31)

I dug deeper and deeper into the Truth, 

starting with those readings listed, and the ones all around them.

I saw things with new eyes.

"being strengthened with all power 

according to his glorious might 

so that you may have great endurance and patience."

Colossians 1:11

Lessons to bring back with me

for myself,

for my family.

A fresh word of hope and healing.

"all things have been created through him 

and for him.  

He is before all things, 

and in him all things hold together.

Colossians 1:16

And I walked away from there

with a palpable feeling of Peace.

An enveloping.

A slower step,

a calmer breath,

a warmth of protection.

I didn't, 

I don't 

want it to end.

Driving down from the mount, 

the one lane road that led to two,

and then the highway to the freeway.

I didn't want to accelerate.

It was almost painful to reach the speed limit.

I didn't want to go the pace of the world.

I wanted to keep this pace of rest, of breath.

So the question is,

how do I keep this slower speed

in the middle of a city, a time 

where everything is racing?

How do I hold onto that mount feeling of enveloping peace

while my circumstances are swirling.

How do I keep centered in Him.

In the every day, minute to minute chaos that can ensue.

For one, I know it's holding onto this feeling.

Drawing on it.

Remembering it.

And getting on my knees every time I feel the swirling

taking over.

To pull back to center.

To invite Him into every single challenge.

Every single detail.

To pray, and pray, and pray some more.

To carve out the quiet space I so crave.

To give myself enough time to quiet my mind in His presence.

Enough to really experience His resurrection blessing.

"Peace be with you."

the trail of life

Some times, well lots of times, 

ok 

most of the time.

I need to get outside.

My kids need it too.

So on this day we hit the trails.

There's so much I don't take the time to write.

Thoughts.  Feelings. Ponderings.

My mind is always working.

It's both a blessing and a curse.

But so often I think in metaphors.

And this trail.

It's a lot like life.

There are ups and downs.

Sometimes it's nice to be alone.

And sometimes it's fun to be together.

Sometimes it's your turn to lead, to teach, to blaze the open trail.

And sometimes it's your turn to follow.  

To learn.

And sometimes you just need to take a rest.

Even dig your heels in awhile.

And stay.

When you're thirsty, drink.

Both literally and spiritually.

Even pour that refreshment right over you.

Soak it all in.

And once you've rested awhile, 

when you know it's time.

You get up and you start climbing again.

Making it to the top,

it's always worth it.

But the high of the mountain top, 

it is never meant to last forever.

And it's time to head back down.

Sometimes it's slippery.

Sometimes it's hard.

It helps to think positively.

Tell yourself you are strong.

You are brave.

You are courageous.

You can do this.

And sometimes when it gets too hard.

Friends are there to help.

To hold you through tough times.

And see you through to the finish line.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded 

by such a great cloud of witnesses, 

let us throw off everything that hinders 

and the sin that so easily entangles.  

And let us run with perseverance 

the race marked out for us, 

fixing our eyes on Jesus, 

the pioneer and perfecter of our faith."

Hebrews 12:1-2

what is...

the best use of my time?
That is the question I'm repeatedly asking myself throughout the day.
Because quite honestly there's much more on my list than there is time.
Need to do's, want to do's, must do's.
So what comes first.
Usually I want to do something creative.
But I know I need to get dinner started so it's ready later.
Or those thank you notes.  Geesh. Still not finished from Christmas.
I hate how they linger and then it becomes so late I'm embarrassed to even send them.

And then there's the flu.
Yes, the flu has hit in our home.
Two girls down.
And absolutely everything wiped off our plate in terms
of appointments and classes and many of the to-do's.
Yesterday was spent like this.

And even though I did a lot of making soup and homeopathic concoctions
and cleaning dirty dishes.  Always dirty dishes.

The day was all about rest.

And much of the same is slated for today.

And my mind is wondering what is the best use of my time.
I have a couple of projects brewing.  And many to-do's I could tackle.

But sometimes the best use is actually doing none of them.
Just being with them.  Playing that game of life they're requesting.
And catching up on some reading, just because.

This year I've realized has been very methodically mapped out.
Most all of my days are calculated to see what I can squeeze in here
in order to be ready for the next thing on our list.

And in some of that, I have let go some of the things I know are
good for me.

I almost let go of having a chance to get away with girl friends
for a much needed mom break, attending one of Sally Clarkson's
Mom Heart conferences near me.  My husband is scheduled to travel
for work and I thought it's too much to hire a sitter overnight.  But I have
plotted through the schedules of family and sitters and mapped out
time to get away, just with mom friends.  Celebrating this high
calling and being refreshed in community.

Sarah Mae who wrote "Desperate"  with Sally Clarkson will
be speaking too.  I have long admired both of them and remember
from a previous Mom Heart conference I attended, that the book table alone
is worth the trip.

I just have to share real quickly, the irony in this picture.

You see the book is about the chaos in our lives as moms and finding
community and our holy destiny in the midst of what can feel like desperation.

So in the midst of my husband working round the clock, the flu knocking
out my girls, a sink overflowing with dirty dishes I'm ignoring in order
to assist my son with his pile of math work, we discover our puppy Piper
wanted to dig into "Desperate" too.

And I just had to laugh.

I'm always praying for peace in the chaos.
And am always finding opportunity to put it into practice.

"You will keep in perfect peace 

him whose mind is steadfast, 

because he trusts in you."

Isaiah 26:3

I have noticed a couple of themes cropping up for me this year.
This searching for peace that surpasses all understanding.  Knowing that intellectually,
but earlier in the year acknowledging that I don't always feel that way in my heart.
In my bible study journal, when asked what promise from God do you feel you'd really
like to sense in your life.  I knew it was to hold onto that perfect peace that surpasses all understanding.

And you know, I sense it happening.  As I walk through difficult things, things I don't write about here.
Things where the future seems uncertain, that perfect peace, I feel it.

Because I trust in Him.  And the connection He keeps revealing to me in scripture
is the word STEADFAST.  Him whose mind and spirit are steadfast.  Thankfully I can ask Him to help me with this steadfastness when I feel weak.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, 

and renew a steadfast spirit within me."  

Psalm 51:10

If I stay steadfast in my pursuit of Him and His word, His will, His promises in my life, I can walk through the uncertain with confidence.  I don't feel afraid.

And praise God, he's always letting us know we're not alone and that his love is one that is
STEADFAST too.

"How precious is your steadfast love."

Psalm 36:7

stead·fast also sted·fast  (stdfst, -fst)

adj.

1. Fixed or unchanging; steady.

2. Firmly loyal or constant; unswerving. 

See Synonyms at faithful.

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"the LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

Therefore I will hope in him.  Amen to that right?  Right!

The Joy Of Freedom

Do you remember the day you first learned to swing?

To really swing high and free with your hair flowing in the air.

My five year old just crossed this milestone.

Today was the first day I captured it.

This freedom is my joy #54.

I love that face.  The sheer excitement.  The feeling of freedom.  That childhood rush without a care in the world.  I remember it like yesterday.  

As an adult I feel like in many ways I'm experiencing freedom of a new kind.  A freedom I should have grasped long ago.


But I didn't quite get it.


The freedom that comes from knowing who you are in Christ.


And nothing else matters.


I don't know how to explain it.


But lately I feel more free in this way.  I feel the way she looks in those pictures.

I feel the way I draw the girls in my prints.


It's that freedom of knowing He's rejoicing over you and that you are perfect in His eyes.  And that no matter what hits you in this life He's got it under control.  All of it is perfecting your faith and making you more like Him until one day you get to be in perfect peace with Him.


What a gift it is and how joyful that makes me.


So freedom in Christ is my joy #55.


Joy #56 getting to help in the kindergarten class today.

A little scheduling technicality meant my preschooler had no school which meant my preschooler had to come with me.  But all was well.  She fit right in.

They've adopted her as a classmate.  

She joined her sister and friends in the dramatic play area where they were princesses and kitties crawling around the room after me.

Now that's freedom of a different sort and just so adorable.


You don't realize that in the beginning of the year there's no way Ava would have even thought of crawling around acting goofy like a kitty.  The fact that she's so free to be herself today brings me joy.

And Joy #57 working computers, working fonts, working photoshop means prints lined up and ready to be packed, wrapped and shipped.

I'm still in denial about the fact that I MUST print my address labels to get our cards out.  But deep breath.. it will get done.  It will get done.  

Oh and that reminds me of Joy #58 I got a commissioned order to do a scripture print of a boy with a special scripture to go with his name.  I had plans to do a couple of boy drawings.  My son is begging me to make him a bookmark.  This new order has inspired me to do them sooner than I probably would have.  The ideas are mulling around and quite frankly I feel like doing that so much more than addressing envelopes.  But the days are ticking away so the envelopes will have to come first.

I'm linking to the 100 Reasons for Joy challenge if you'd like to read the other posts this week!  Happy Monday.