contemplation

Happy Friday everyone.
Happy beginning of the weekend.
This sight, though not captured super well, was what I saw out my kitchen window as the sun was setting one night.
It took my breath away.

This bright, golden, streaking cross.
Calling out to me.  Reminding me that He is here.
He is always here.  Jesus sees me in the every day, in the struggles, in my doubts.

I've been deep in thought on so many things.  It often feels like too much to explain and so I've been kind of quiet here.

I've been contemplating where I am and where I'm heading.
I haven't mentioned this yet..but in just about two weeks I'll be turning 40.
And it suddenly has made me very introspective about a lot.
Perhaps soon I'll unfold it all here.
I can be so very introspective and sentimental.  I thought I felt strong about this birthday.
But suddenly I was hit by this wave of sadness over how fast the last decade has gone and how I guess it sort of felt like it would always be here.  And then I wonder will this next decade be just as fast.  A friend of mine about to turn 50 said it goes even faster.  Why, oh why does the time speed up as we age?

I wonder if homeschooling will slow me down or cause the pace to feel more pressured.  I'm praying it's the former.  But sometimes I fear it's the latter.  I have lots of unknowns of how it will all go, how I'll handle it all, balance it all.  Oh that unreachable 'balance it all' place.  Perhaps it's more about the letting go of balancing anything.

I do feel the Lord guiding my steps and so I'm faithfully trying to not over think.  I'm practicing just being where I am today.

I've also been feeling an increase in fatigue and joint pain that can come with the heat for lupus patients.  Sometimes I like to be in denial that I have it anymore.  Especially when I feel good for awhile.  But it seems all the go-go-go of our schedule at the end of the school year must have also taken a toll.  So I'm falling asleep early a lot at night..which means not a lot of posts and not a lot of creating.

But my mind and soul are itching to put pen to paper.  In my head I've drawn and painted and dreamed up much. But in my mind they remain for now.

I turn the energy I have over to making this a fun summer for my kids, with lots of swimming and entertaining friends.  Tonight we surprised them and took them to see Brave.

This next week they have vacation bible school and I'll have a rare three hours each day where they're all in the same place at the same time and the house will be quiet.

I'm praying for renewed energy and I pray this finds you all well too!

Notable Quotable

I'm sort of new to the blog world and I don't know if anyone else already does this.  But I was thinking it might be fun to have a Friday Notable Quotable day.


A chance to write any of the funny or inspirational quotes you've heard throughout the week.  Quotes from your kids, your husband, scripture, a devotional.  Something worth remembering.  A notable quotable.


The reason I thought of this is there are so many notable quotables that come out of young children.  Whether funny or profound, we want to remember them.


And as for devotionals, I'm always wanting to share what I've read from mine and from scripture.  So on Fridays I'm going to do so here.  


Here's more from my three-year-old (almost four.. tomorrow) theologian.


I must preface this with saying that these statements while we're driving come out of nowhere.  We aren't already having any kind of big discussion.  She's just thinking and then these statements follow.

AUDREY:   "Mommy, sometimes you cry even when you're happy."


ME:              "Yes, we do sometimes cry even when we're happy.  
                      What makes you cry when you're happy?"


AUDREY:   "When Jesus loves me."




Seriously?  She's three.  But don't you think sometimes kids have wisdom beyond their years.  I think those thoughts are from the Holy Spirit.  Such an innocent wisdom I want them to hold onto forever.


And another car conversation:


AUDREY:         "One day you'll be big like Daddy Mommy."


ME:                    "Well, Audrey, actually I won't.  Daddy will always be 
                           bigger than Mommy.  
                           God made him that way. And I don't really want to be as  
                           big as Daddy."


AUDREY:         "You're right Mommy, because when you're smaller you're 
                         cute and you're pretty cute Mommy."


That was an awe moment for me.  I needed to see myself the way she sees me.  The way God sees me.


My lupus is in a flare.  The first one since July.  It started on Sunday.  I think it was a combination of things all piled on top of each other, including doing too much the couple of weeks leading up to my daughter's party.  I've been feeling a bit sad about that, so her sweet words warmed my heart.


Here's to all of our notable quotables.  Feel free to leave a comment of a favorite quote, inspirational saying or scripture that speaking to you right now.  I'd love to read them!  Happy Friday everyone.  

Custom Orders

 Meet my Zephaniah girl!  More about her in a second, but first I just want to say it has been so exciting for me to see orders popping up in my etsy store. 


Really I'm such a newbie at this that I am still shocked when I actually see a message from etsy that an order has been placed or an inquiry has come in.  I mean, it is what I wanted and what I hoped would happen.  But I'm still shocked when it does. 


I got a custom order for gifts for a couple of interns who work for a youth pastor.  I love knowing a little bit about the people I'm working on a print for so that I can be praying for them while I do. 


I have this really intense prayer connection with God while I'm working and listening to my pandora praise music.  I love it.  It's therapeutic and enlightening and just plain fun.


So my absence yesterday for the 100 Days of Joy was because I was busy making a new print and changing the skin and hair on another.  You'll have to check out the shop.


My Joy #30 in the 100 Reasons for Joy Challenge is finishing this painting to go with Zephaniah 3:17.

"The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."  

I love every word in this scripture.


But the part, "He will quiet you with His love" became a life-line for me when I was having major anxiety due to the piles of hair falling out for months on end in the Spring/Summer of 2009.  One day when I went to blow-dry my bangs, they fell out right on the counter.  Then months proceeded with a red, burning scalp and hair loss worse than post-pregnancy loss.  I had no idea the cause and no end in sight.  It was so hard having to shower and brush my hair.  I would just meditate on that scripture, begging God to quiet my racing mind with His love. 


It took over three months to get into my approved dermatologist.  And that began the journey into discovering the cause.  More than a month later, after a scalp biopsy I received a call that it was lupus. The doctor told me it was a scarring alopecia and could be permanent. 


This began a journey for me that was really about releasing everything to God and trusting in Him.  I had no control over what was happening.  It was really rough at times, but praise God I'm feeling so much better and my scalp has healed.  It's no longer red and the loss is now normal.  And, another praise it has filled in.. so it wasn't permanent.


This is also why getting to work on these drawings is such a joy and an praise.  There was a time my joints ached too much.  And I was so emotionally drained I was in a mode of just getting through the day.  I had nothing left to pour into something creative.


Joy #31  I got my first real haircut in a year and a half last week.  I hadn't written about it partially because our cameras are acting up and I don't have a picture.  But because of the loss I stopped getting my hair cut altogether for about nine months.  It was just too much for me to have to sit in front of a mirror with the strong lights and watching my hair come out in someone's hands. 


Then there was a part of me that kept thinking, what if it returns and it starts up again.  I only had a couple of trims in the last half a year and I was overdo for a real haircut.   So this was a big deal for me.  I know it sounds silly, but it was one of the many ways I've been feeling strongholds released in the last several months.  And that is a HUGE joy!


Joy #32 As I was preparing dinner and hanging out with my kids I was acknowledging that it is a joy to 'get' to stay home with them.  So often I'm trying to keep up with everything on our plate and I feel like I can't stop to just soak it all in as much as I'd like.  But I wanted to acknowledge that this is a joy and a priviledge and higher calling being a mom and getting to guide and mold these little people who're mine for such a short while really.  Even though some days it doesn't feel short.  I know everyone says it goes so fast and one day I'll look back and wonder where the time went.


But hopefully stopping to be in the moment and even this joy journal of sorts will help me hold onto this time and these joys so they won't feel so fleeting.

A Day In The Life Of Joy

It's Day 3 in the 100 Reasons for Joy Challenge

I think we all could take a cue from our children in looking for joy.  Today I spent the morning from 10-12 with my three-year-old finishing up shopping for family who'll be here for early Christmas very soon.  

I wasn't sure when I'd fit that shopping in and I really avoid malls like the plague.  I have to be in the right stage of energy to do this.  I have to be careful when pushing myself to do too many things because I can get fatigued from the lupus and I tell you mall shopping causes me fatigue with or without lupus.

I happened to have my camera with me because of my other daughter's award ceremony this morning.  So I brought it with me in the mall.

To see the world through the eyes of a three-year-old.  

First you must twirl out of the car, paying no mind to the spilled cereal and sand on the floor. 

And leap to the asphalt tightly clinging your favorite 'chihuahua'.

Stop to try to pick up every thing that sparkles.  

This one was nailed down.

But trust me, she'll spy a glitter, bead, or precious piece of trash, (ahem) I mean treasure everywhere.

They'll stay gripped in her hand for the better part of the day before they make their way to mommy's pocket for safe keeping.

It makes everything take longer than it should, but today I gave us time to meander and dawdle and spy sparkly things from above.

This she called the beautiful place.

And this looks like a birthday cake with candles.

You must stop and say hi to anyone and everyone, especially someone smaller than you.  You show them your treasures and ask if they'd like to be your friend.

Then you must dance for them to the music.

And all along the way you must beg mommy to see the beautiful place up close.

When you discover we've found it, you run and squeal with glee.

Then you stand in awe of the sky blue stones that sparkle just so.

And take a moment to climb.  

Oh and you must wear your boots on the wrong feet, to every third adult's dismay warning your mommy that they're backwards.  

But you know already and you like them that way, so they stay.

Then you feel the water trickle down the fountain,

and your arm.

You soak in everything and invite others to share in your joy.

You aren't in a hurry and you have no agenda.

You just want to touch and see and feel and experience everything life has to offer.

You aren't bogged down by to-do lists or time-frames.

Life is there to be enJOYed every step of the way.  

This 100 Reasons For Joy is about slowing down enough to find joy the way a child does.

And to focus on the joy of the Christ child born for us so many years ago.  

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6-7

My joys for today: 

13) finishing my shopping for my parents, sister and her husband.  Haven't even started anyone else.  But I'm happy for this accomplishment.

14) Finding cool gifts I know they'll be surprised by and like.  I mentioned in a previous post, I really don't like just buying a gift.  I want it to have that person's name written on it.  I want it to be something they can use and will really like.  It brings me joy when those things fall into place.

15) Finding a parking place for lunch with my kids and hearing my daughter say, "Praise God we found a spot."

16) Taking time to see life through my three-year-old's eyes.  

17) Oh I almost forgot, my first real etsy sale.  Not from a friend here locally, but a person I don't know in a far away state.  So cool. :)

Peace Beyond The Blur

It's returning.

I know I've been quiet here lately. 

That doesn't mean lots of things haven't crossed 

my mind to write about.

Sometimes finding the time to sit and actually do it, 

just doesn't happen.

But I'm happy to say that order feels like it is returning

And with it, a sense of calmness and peace.

But in the midst of that there are still conflicts and little annoyances and general 'fuzziness' which I'll explain a little later.

But I think I'm having to learn to just be OK with the blur. 

  In the midst of all of this, I'm hearing some life lessons God is whispering to me.

Because of the medication I'm on for the lupus I have to get my eyes checked twice a year.  One of the side effects is vision loss.  It sounds scary.  And in the beginning my doctor made me a bit freaked out at that thought.  But the vision loss hardly ever happens anymore and if it is going to happen they can detect it before the damage is done, which is why I get them checked twice a year.

That day was today.

So a bulk of my morning was spent in a blur.  I don't like that feeling.  I think it's something about how I wrestle with needing to be in control and feeling so fuzzy, 
it's definitely an out of control feeling. 

Once the whole procedure was over I returned to my car to discover I had a ticket on my windshield.  It's a fifty dollar ticket for being angled the wrong way.  But there were two sets of lines in the lot and I honestly wasn't sure which way to park.  I clearly made the wrong choice.

That's annoying.  I'm hoping I can fight it.

It's the little things like this that just keep cropping up.  
I've been thinking that the Lord is really giving me a chance to exercise staying focused on Him in the midst of the fuzziness.

To keep looking up through these little annoyances that seem to add up in small ways throughout the day.

I've been wrestling with wanting things to be smooth and calm.  I'm a person who likes peace.  But my kids fight or fall and there's screaming and crying.  The dog hurt her leg again and is limping.  The computer keeps freezing and eight hours of digital painting is 'corrupt'.  The document will no longer open and I have to start again.  There are doctor visits and tickets and decisions with directions that feel blurry.

 I think yearning for the smooth and calm is possibly not the point.   I think God is teaching me to create the calmness in the midst of the chaos.  To find ways to rest and relax in Him while these 'troubles' (which he said there would be*) continue to find me though I try 
my best to avoid them. 

	*"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."   John 16:33

I know that all of these things are super minor so I'm not trying to sound like I'm complaining.  There are far bigger troubles in life.   I'm just writing about those little pesky things that can add up to try to steal your joy.  I'm finding I need to be careful not to let the enemy chip away at me.

We've created some more boundaries on our time and what we can and cannot do in order to put a hedge of protection around our family time and our sense of order at home.  

I made some good habit charts for the kids that seem to be working out well. I have my own 'mental' good habit chart, but perhaps a grown up one would be a good incentive too. ;)

And the crock pot is quickly becoming my best friend.

I start dinner somewhere between eleven and one o'clock and when we get home from school it's nearly ready.  It takes some planning ahead.  But it's that extra step of preparation that clears a path through a time that can be chaotic.

It creates time for me to sit with my kids and enjoy them and help with homework without feeling pulled in too many directions.

It really is about the little things, the small every day decisions, isn't it?  Little adjustments here and there that 
make all the difference.

It makes all the difference on our perspective and our legacy.  

I listen to KKLA when I'm in the car.  It's the Christian talk radio station here in Los Angeles.  I get to hear a lot of the programs about families.  This week Focus On The Family spoke about the legacy we're leaving our kids and future generations.  

It has made me think a lot about being intentional every day with my love and my time because I'm building a legacy for how my children will remember me and honor me.  

I want to be remembered for having loved them and poured into their lives.  I want them to be able to say they know what a godly woman, wife and mother looks like because of how I'm living my life.  And I want them to know Jesus better because of how they see Him glorified in my life.   

"She is clothed with strength and dignity:

she can laugh at the days to come. 

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed; 

her husband also, and he praises her:

'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Proverbs 31:25-30

Autumn Recipes

Oh.. I love this time of year.  

This photo is pretty unrelated to the topic.  But to find a 'fall' looking photo I started scanning through pictures from last year and came across a series of these.  OH my how much smaller she is.  I didn't even remember taking these.  It makes my heart melt to think of how fast they're growing.  I always tell her she can't keep growing that I want her to stay three (fah-lee) forever.  "Oh but I can't mommy, Jesus made me to grow bigger" she always replies.  She's in such a hurry to be older.  When we pretend play she's always seven and the big sister.  But she does reassure me that I can always hold her even when she's a grown up.  Sigh.  Why is it the older you get the faster the time flies.  It's just not fair!  Someone stop the clock ok?

But back to our topic.. Autumn recipes.  None of them are mine.. but I'm introducing you to a plethora of yummy gluten free recipes you must check out!  Gluten is the source of problems for so many people.  It is a main source of inflammation so with a lupus diagnosis my doctor recommended I avoid it.  

I love this blog "Gluten Free Goddess"!  But just because you're cutting out gluten doesn't mean you can't enjoy some really yummy foods.  I've learned how to navigate around wheat and gluten really well in the last year.  The internet sure helps.  I wanted to share her post today because of all the scrumptious Autumn recipes.  

There are soups and chili and pumpkin waffles and muffins and deserts galore.  But the thing that has my mouth watering are these two recipes.  I am a mexican food-aholic.  I think I could honestly eat it every day and not get sick of it.  

Chicken and Artichoke Enchilada Bake!

Or this one. 

She says her chicken enchiladas are one of the most popular recipes on her blog.

She also has a whole section of Thanksgiving ideas.  Interestingly that's right around the time I found her blog last year.   I think you'll find lots of yummy ideas there too!  Happy cooking and Happy almost fall.  Can you just feel it in the air?  I know in Southern California we don't have fall like so many states, but I still feel the change in the air, the light, the smells.  And I love the excitement of all the fall activities and celebrations.

Preparing Raw Food

After finding out I had lupus my journey into helping heal my body through diet began. I started reading A LOT! I have read more books and message boards and websites than I can count.

The internet can be both a blessing and a curse in this way.

But in this case I have been brought again and again to eating lots of raw fruits and vegetables and juicing in order to heal your body.  It's kind of easy really.  It's going back to eating very naturally and thinking did God make it or did man package it.

I was never a bad eater, but I've been convicted in the last year to change some things.

I've read books from The Lupus Recovery Diet, to The China Study, and most recently The Hallelujah Diet.  This one I stumbled across. But just finished reading. It's really quite enlightening and as you read some of these books they can be very convicting.

The Hallelujah Diet is based on the Genesis 1:29 principal

"Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food."

For breakfast I'm not very good at making myself things because mornings are generally a bit crazy.  So months ago when I discovered Vega protein powder that is a complete meal and plant based I was really excited.  I love both the vanilla chai and the chocolate. 

In fact we're leaving for a camping trip soon and this will be a MUST have for me to avoid some of the foods I know won't be good for me. 

As for dinner.. I started reading blogs and the recipes in some of my new books. This blog in particular really had my mouth watering. Her pictures make everything look so good.  Then her blog led me to this blog.. and boy I've already signed up for their newsletter.  I'm loving their recipes.

I started out trying the zucchini spaghetti. OH and I was so super excited to actually pull out the Cuisinart we got when we were married 13 1/2 years ago and to discover I could make it work.  I used to have a fear of it.  The whole thing sort of intimidated me so it was relegated to the back of the cupboard and was forgotten years ago.

DO you know it's not that hard and I think it's going to be my new best friend in the kitchen!

Back to the recipe, I loved it. My husband was appreciative, but I wouldn't say it was his favorite. My son tolerated it, but my two daughters. I think the before and after pictures speak for themselves.

You would have thought I was torturing them. It was so sad really.

So I have some work to do to find kid friendly recipes.  It's a challenge.  But I'm up to the task!

That My Heart May Sing

That my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:12.

Probably about a year and a half ago the Lord planted in my heart a desire to do drawings like this inspired with scripture. Scenes that I'd want to hang in my daughter's room, or the bathroom or even my room for that matter. I have ideas for boy's rooms too.

But then I got sick and started having weird symptoms that included joint pain, fatigue and hair loss. I didn't know what it was for months and months. But last September I finally had a diagnosis. It was lupus.

The lupus derailed me from pursuing this dream for awhile. But I am getting so much better.  I still have flares where I can't draw due to my knuckles hurting, but I feel better more than I feel bad.

It has been a long road of confusion and learning to lean into God in a way that I never had before. I'll admit all last spring and summer I was struggling just to get through the day. I had to put this dream on hold in a big way.

But in the process of being brought to a point where I needed God desperately He has taught me so much. So much I wouldn't have learned if getting here had been easy.

We pray at night for all kinds of things with our kids. One of the constants in our prayers is for wisdom, godly wisdom.

One day months ago my three year old said, "Lupus is kind of like wisdom." Sometimes she says the most profound things without even realizing it.

Because she is so right. I have gained so much wisdom through this experience. Wisdom about my health, about eating really well, about the need to listen to my body, to treat it as the temple for the Holy Spirit that it is, about drawing close to God. My faith life has grown by leaps and bounds. I've gained a spiritual wisdom that I wouldn't trade. And even in that I know I have so far to go. But I praise God for where he has brought me to this point, even if it was hard.

I'm so grateful for the blessings that have come out of it and I'm believing the Lord is healing me.

This piece was inspired by friends of ours who just baptized their 8 year old daughter. He is a pastor and they did it at a beautiful home in the backyard pool. She is adopted from Korea and wants to be a marine biologist. I wanted to give her a special gift for her baptism.

Finding time to draw sometimes can be hard with three small children, but again the Lord just opened doors that week. I had the inspiration, we were at the Huntington Library in the Chinese garden and my kids were playing so nicely by the stream that I sat down and drew. I was able to finish it in that little window of time.

Then that night, I'll admit I stayed up a bit too late to get it done, but as I did the digital painting I got lost in the time. Her mom said her eyes brightened when she saw that the girl looked like her and was riding a dolphin. I'm so glad it will be a memory of her special day of committing her life to the Lord.

And that it'll remind her to sing to the Lord, to not be silent, and to give him thanks forever!