Monday, September 27, 2010

I Think Too Much

In the midst of my light-hearted blog posts lately I've neglected to share that my mind has been wound up and confused and I'm trying to figure out how to simplify.

We're three weeks into our school year schedule and I'm feeling like I can't catch up to the speed of my own routine.

It all is feeling too rushed despite my efforts to organize and be wise with my time. 

My son I'm praying to love even harder, in the midst of lots of pushing boundaries and attitude that isn't ok.  I know he's needing more love even when I feel so discouraged by his behavior.

My little one starting kindergarten is tired.  She seems like she's thriving, but this routine of ours has her tired.

My three year old is tired too.  She wakes sooner than she'd like and goes to bed later than she should.  Our routine is jostled with after school sports and back to school nights.

Part of this is my making, by choosing schools far apart.  But that choice was made out of wanting our kids in the schools where we feel they're loved and cared for and nurtured in the way we would.

I'm feeling sensitive about everything and thinking too much.

I feel like there are conflicts everywhere I turn.  Not in my immediate family thankfully, but outside.  You know those kinds of conflicts where you don't mean for them to happen and yet they're there.  You try to handle them in the way you know God would want you to, but you still have to make hard decisions and speak up for things that you feel are wrong.  I have a hard time doing this.  It weighs on me.  But this past week I've had to do it in a few different areas of our lives.

I'm praying about everything and trying to rest in God.  I'm trying to do my part and make the calls I have to make, have the conversations I need to have, create the charts and plans that will help our family run more smoothly.  I am waking up earlier to have things ready and prepared so we can all have a calm atmosphere at home. 

A wise woman builds her home right...

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."
Proverbs 14:1

One week ago today on the way to school I was hit by a big rig with my kids in the car.  From the sliding door back it's pretty thrashed.  The back window across from my son shattered.  
We're all ok, praise God.  

But I wonder what God is trying to tell me, to show me in all of this.  

The picture above was taken after my parents called to see if we were all ok.  I was supernaturally calm when it happened.  But that night I sort of broke down from the stress of everything.

It seems silly as I type it, but I think it was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back.  I was telling my dad about it while my daughters waited in their room for me to read their bedtime story.

  When I hung up the phone I realized it was very quiet.  They had both fallen asleep.  One put herself to bed, the other still waiting for her story.

So I'm sensitive and emotional, but this made me feel so bad. 

I'm praying for balance and an abundance of love and for wisdom in how to simplify.

Because I know these years go so quickly and I don't want to remember them as a big blur spinning by while I was pulled along by our schedule.

So this is where my heart and mind are lately.  I'm trusting in God and focusing on what I'm grateful for in my life.  In the process I'm praying my spirit will find that place of peace and balance again.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song. 
Psalm 28:7

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