my job

as a wife, mom, and homemaker is so many things.

I could laundry list them all, but I'm sure you know them well too.

 However, today it hit me as we picked up cupcakes to 

surprise daughter number two.  

If I had to write out a list of my duties,
one of the big ones is to create celebrations.  

To celebrate life.

To celebrate them.

To honor them and make sure they feel special.

For those big and little moments.

To be there to hug them and let them know how proud I am.

And man do I feel blessed to be able to do this.

Today was a special one for us.

And I have felt tears brimming all week long over it.

It was her last day at the Lindamood Bell program.

Back when we started in April, she was an anxious child.

Who had shut down in school.

She wasn't progressing.

She wasn't sleeping, she had headaches and stomachaches.

It wasn't a fun place to be as a mom.

There were neuropsych tests and evaluations and meetings

with lots of clinical diagnosis'.

When asked what she remembered from a story just read.

She'd look at you blankly and not say a word.

She was so overwhelmed that things she could do she stopped doing.

But this program methodically worked with her, and she has climbed a mountain.

And can I tell you, a quality of this child that is beyond admirable.

She never, not once complained about going.  Never, at all said it was too hard.

Even though I knew it was for her, she always tries, 

and kept right on pushing even when it was challenging.

And she always has that sweet smile on her face.

Today she has progressed to the point of being able to tell you

the details of a story all the way up to a third grade comprehension level.

And her reading, she is at a first grade level, reading chapter books.

It's slow and steady and she still needs help here and there.

This road isn't over, and her dyslexia isn't miraculously gone.

But she has made amazing progress.

Not only academically, but in her confidence.

And I so wanted to celebrate that.

When a child graduates, they all gather round with congratulations. 

They're given their bag with their sight words, work books, and a chapter book 

chosen as a special gift, signed by their teachers.

This is her lead teacher Alexis.  She is my point person also, meeting with me

and going over Ava's progress every week.

Through this process they work with a different teacher each hour.

But usually there are a few that become their regulars.

And they get to know them well.

They bond with them, learn how to reach beyond the tough shells these 

children have formed towards learning.

And they have patience beyond belief.

They keep working, changing things up whenever needed.

To keep these kids moving forward and growing.

I watched it happen not only with my child, but with others.

And I told them, that they've very much become like a 

security blanket to me.  Helping me through this transition

into homeschooling.

And I have been very emotional about saying goodbye to these

ladies who have cared for my daughter in such a special way.

It's strange how people can become such an integral part of your life.

And then it's time for our journey to take a turn and we won't be 

seeing them on a consistent basis anymore.

But we have promised to come back and visit.  

And I pray we can keep on building from where they've left off.

I've been in training sessions and our tutor who'll be helping met with Alexis too.
So that we all can be on the same page, using the same language.

There will be more on this soon, but for now let's get back to celebrating.

This little lady has wanted to visit here all summer long.

And today I surprised her, with a graduation trip to the Santa Monica pier

and a ride on the ferris wheel.  

It was a first for all of my kids.  Little Lady #2 up there was a bit apprehensive once we started moving.

But her sister LOVED it.

All in all, it was a beautiful day.

A beautiful celebration.

And a blessing to be able to celebrate her. 

the light

of the morning is always so inspiring to me.
So new, full of promise.  So quiet and so reflective.

Sometimes, this light that streams in my dining room is stronger.
More vibrant.  This morning it reminded me of other mornings where the Lord used it very specifically to bring me hope.  Just when I needed it.
And I suspect, my eye being drawn to it this morning, was no exception.

Just yesterday my five year old, after vacation bible school announced
that God speaks to people.  It opened up the conversation about how God is always talking to all of us.
IF we just have eyes and ears to hear.

How a beautiful bird, or fluttering butterfly, or the glorious layers of colors on the mountains, and shades of light are God's artwork showing us he loves us.
And sometimes God uses those things to speak to our heart just when we need to feel His love.

So this morning I rise early, unable to sleep after my seven year old has finally gone back to bed after waking me in the wee hours.

She has hit another wall with her learning.
And with that comes tears and stress and waking in the night.
And this morning light, well it reminds me of this...

"weeping may last through the night, 

but joy comes in the morning."

Psalm 30:5

I completely know this isn't the heaviest of trials.  With her dyslexia and other learning challenges,
I just so badly want her to cross through this challenge and find some success.
To know that she can do it so that she can believe in herself.

Yesterday was a rough one for her.

And I am reminded how very much these little ones in our care, how we
are teaching them always.  And every challenge is a chance to breathe life
into them that it's ok to stumble.  We all do.  But it's the trying again that
matters.  And that mom and dad and God are all here.  She's not alone.

And I remind her of how she was afraid to dive in the pool.
She thought she couldn't do it, but then she did.

Or how riding a bike is hard at first, but then all of a sudden you can do it.

It's the same way.  This is hard right now, but practicing it.  Little by little
one day it will be easier.

"Remember Dory in Nemo?" I tell her.  Remember how she said, "Just keep swimming?"
Don't you think all those fish trying to swim free from the net found it really hard.
But they had to tell themselves to just keep swimming until they could break free.
"I know you're working so hard.  And I'm so proud of you.  I want you to think of those fish when it gets hard, and just keep trying.
Soon you will break free."

Right now she's wanting to shut down.  She's filled with "I can't" thoughts that bring lots of emotion.
But I know that the Lord is walking with her and He will let her break through to the other side of reading success.

I look forward to seeing that moment.  I'm praying for it for her.  And I'm confident in the midst of these struggles that the Lord is using them for her, for me as a mom.  To strengthen both of us and in the mean time I'm patiently waiting, knowing that when the growth springs forth, how beautiful that day will be.

"And (s)he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun rises, even a morning without clouds; 
as the tender grass springing out of the earth 
by clear shining after rain."

2 Samuel 23:4

July is a special month for me.  It's my birthday!  And with that I have a couple of fun things to share, including a freebie.
So check back in with me.
I'll be sharing soon.

learning

So we're about two and a half weeks into our new journey of homeschooling my daughter who has dyslexia.

And I'm being eased into this with the Lindamood Bell program where she goes two hours a day five days a week.

And we spend way more time on the road getting everyone where they need to be than I like.

But I am seeing some major things happening.

It's the Lord first and foremost.

It's your prayers.

It's the program.

It's the removal of the stress.

It's all of these things.

But I so want to praise God for these little glimmers of improvement He is showing me daily.

She's happy and free and I love seeing her and her sister playing together.

I just want to share and record those little things that parents with kids that don't struggle wouldn't even think twice about.  Those things that naturally happen, weren't with her.

But in the last week I've seen several of those little things organically (I like that word a lot .. and have been teased for using it in this way.  But you know when it's just natural, child led, not forced at all).

She's reading signs as we drive by them in the car,
just because she wants to and she can!

She's asking me why the E in Zevia says E instead of eh?

She's reading that the double O says OOUUU.  And she's telling me about it.

It didn't matter how many times we'd go over ch, sh, th sounds and what letter made them, she wouldn't retain them.

But suddenly it's all sticking.  And when I was telling her sister (who will talk incessantly which is usually awesome, but sometimes not appropriate) that she needs to 'shhhhhh'.  My middle one said, "S. H."  At first I was thinking, "What?" But then realized oh, she's noticing.  She's noticing.  And she's using these rules in life.  It's clicking.  And I'm so proud of her.  She's working hard.  And she's enjoying learning.  It's such a blessing and so encouraging.

Oh and part of the receptive and expressive language disorder has meant that she is pretty quiet.  We always knew she was more shy, but some of this is that she hasn't 'organically' picked up on language the way we all do.  She doesn't soak it in, understand the context and then use it in sentences the way her brother and sister did and do.  She will tell stories and come to a word or thought she can't find and would say, "Oh never mind."  It must be such a trapped and frustrating feeling.  And trust me, I know she'd get frustrated because she's so sweet and patient, but she'd go from zero to sixty in no time flat.  She'd get so mad and just start screaming at the top of her lungs over something seemingly insignificant.

It was all of that inability to express herself that would build and build to the point of exploding.  Who could blame her.

But do you know, we're together so much through the day and she is talking a lot.  She's standing up for herself when she's talking, telling her brother or sister, "I'm still talking".  You know that old parental phrase, "Use your words."  So often she just couldn't in the way she wanted or as fast as anyone else.  But she's using her words.  Little by little she's using them.

The best thing for me was hearing her tell me a story and using the words dangling and wobbling in context, correctly.  I don't even know where or how she picked those words up.  But they were in there.

It's like her mind and her words are being unleashed.  

It's not all fixed and instantly better, but it's improving.  And this is progress that makes this mom super happy.  I take none of it, none of it for granted.

I also want you to know I don't take your words of encouragement for granted either.  Those of you who've taken time to email me, even at great length, sending me words of wisdom and advice and letting me know you're praying for me.  Praying for me, a complete stranger.  It's humbling and has moved me to tears.  I'm truly serious here.  I wish I could thank you in person, thank you for walking a faithful walk.  Even in the little things like taking the time to type words from the heart that brighten a stranger's day.  Thank you.

 "Therefore encourage one another 

and build each other up,

just as in fact you are doing."

1 Thessalonians 5:11

a new story

Today is a new day.

On a new journey that I just know the Lord has all mapped out.

I have so much to say about this.
I want to let you in on a little, well big happening in our house.

I have felt a bit like it's my own personal Nineveh.
And God, in His infinite wisdom (and thankfully ever so gently) has been
guiding me back to the place I have run from in the past.

And that is, this little lady and I are embarking on a homeschool adventure.

You see I felt the Lord plant a desire in my heart to homeschool back when my son was in kindergarten.
And I began researching and I fell in LOVE with Charlotte Mason.
I own just about every book about her method of teaching that exists.

And so in first grade I did bring him home.  But around the end of May I began having
a lot of strange symptoms that took until September to find out, they were because I had lupus.
I didn't feel like I was doing very well for anyone in my family,
I was so fatigued and achey and so we put him in school in the fall.

And I felt like I failed.

Because I couldn't carry through with what I felt in my heart had been God's will.
But I let it go, that perhaps it was for a small season.

I've mentioned here and here that there have been challenges.
And there have been sprinkles of hints to challenges I've been wrestling through,
like my post on listening.

We've been doing educational and language therapy for the last year
and she is repeating kindergarten at a new, very small school.

But struggles picked up again just before Christmas and in January we began an in depth assessment that took until the end of February to complete.

We now know that she has dyslexia, receptive and expressive language disorder
(they explain it as though you're reaching into a cookie jar and you and I would pull out a cookie, but she has to fish around to find the cookie.  That's what it can be like for her.  The knowledge or word is there, but she can't always find it), an auditory processing disorder (which means she doesn't process quickly on the left side of the brain so it has to travel to the right and then back to the left before
she can comprehend.  And the left side of the brain is where we receive language so she's still stuck on the first or second direction from the teacher while the teacher has moved onto her fifth point.  Oh and she can't shut out background noise so she needs no distractions when learning), and a visual tracking disorder
(she tracks from right to left instead of left to right and doesn't see the same thing out of both eyes
when trying to read).

OH and on top of that ADHD (They now call all cases ADHD with or without hyperactivity).
She most certainly does not have the hyperactivity.

That's a lot of labels on one little girl isn't it?

The moment the neuropsychologist started to talk about 504 plans and special needs and disabilities.
I thought, special needs, disabilities.  I just don't like those phrases.

I like the word challenge.  

Because this is just a challenge.  I like challenges. A challenge we can work through to improve upon.

She is one of the most patient, tender hearted children I know.
There isn't a mean bone in her body and I see her sit still and focus at length.

This is a full other post, but I'm being told to medicate, because it will open the window to her being able to focus and learn.  But I don't feel convicted about starting medication right now.  Perhaps one day I'll change my mind.  But there are a lot of variables I can change first.

Because of the challenges she faces, she also has shown to be in the clinical range
for anxiety due to feeling like she can't keep up in school.

And for a seven year old little girl, that just shouldn't be.

A few weeks ago when my educational therapist said she was working with her successfully as
she jumped from sight word to sight word, naming them properly, and enjoying learning.

Then when she went to the worksheet the teacher had given her to go over if she had time.
It was a 100 grid with numbers from 1-100 with random numbers missing and she was
supposed to fill them in.

Well for a child with dyslexia, I'm told the numbers aren't static, it's like they're flying all over the paper and a grid like that is absolutely overwhelming.  And do you know, my daughter completely and totally changed.  She slumped and said I can't do it and her confidence was gone.

I don't doubt that the teacher is doing her best.  But I also have seen how they just can't make the accommodations that she needs to feel empowered and to move at the pace she needs.

I've sat with her as she sobbed over something she said the teacher announced before the class that everyone should know by now.  It was an innocent statement I'm sure.  But my child had giant
tears rolling down her cheeks as she told me I know everyone else knows it, but I don't.

These things stirred in my gut and told me I just can't let her wait it out till the end of the school year. And I told her, "You know what, by the time you're a teenager and you need to know that, you'll know it.  We'll go at your pace and we'll learn in the way you need to learn and it's going to be ok.

And I watched her spirit lift and her crying calm.

Do you know she has been counting down until today with glee.  She can't wait to homeschool. And if I ever feel afraid, I just think of that.

She is so excited and the stress is gone and she has so many questions about what we'll do for PE, and the creations we'll make, and the things we'll discover, and the field trips we'll take, and how she can help me, and how we can do life and learn together.

And I feel like I should be freaking out.  


This should be daunting and overwhelming.
But right now it's not  and I know that's the Lord.

I'm just so grateful to be in a position to be able to help her.
And I'm excited to see things start to click and take off for her.

We're transitioning first by doing a program called Lindamood Bell that specializes in helping kids with dyslexia.  They'll work with her one on one for two hours, five days a week for three months and will train me on how to do it at home after that.

And I'm delving deep into the ways to go about treating the ADHD (without hyperactivity...so annoying to say that isn't it?) with diet and nutrition and exercise. One of the therapists who works with her said, "So you're basically doing an experiment with your child."  And I said, "Well you could say the same about putting her on the medication."

I'm making so many changes right now, if I put her on the medicine I'll never know if she would have been fine without it.

My husband used to call me a pit bull.  Before having kids I was a reporter and I'd dig deep into a story and I wouldn't let go.  I have a heart for research and a heart for justice and a heart for seeing the underdog succeed.

And now this is the story I'm digging into.  

It's not one I would have chosen, like others that I've experienced before.  But I know so strongly that it is those stories we don't anticipate or expect or think we want for our lives that change us the most, making us more like Him and bringing us closer to Him every step of the way.

Yes there have been moments where I've wondered why, I've cried, I've stressed, I've blamed the terbutaline they gave me while on bed rest, I've blamed the zoloft I took (supposedly safely) while breastfeeding for the postpartum anxiety disorder I was diagnosed with after her birth.

I've traveled all those roads.

But I so positively know there could be such greater challenges in life.
She is healthy, and beautiful, and funny, and sweet, and caring, and talented.
And I know God has a plan.  I can't help but think that this is why God planted that desire for homeschooling in my heart all those years ago.

And you know what, I feel blessed to know that He will write the ending of this story.These diagnosis' will not.

I'm excited to watch Him work through this and show off and I'm praying that others
who've met us because of this journey will see Him through our story too.

So here we go, I'm officially a homeschool mom.

Eek.  Did I just announce that!

I can't wait to chronicle this adventure.

And I wholeheartedly welcome any advice anyone might want to give.