Wednesday, October 5, 2011

it happened & picture me {im}perfectly: fears

We had a rocky morning.

My son couldn't find his shoes.

You know the kind of can't find where they stand frozen in their room staring into space.... somehow this is going to help find them.

It drives me crazy.

Then I realized I hadn't packed up the lunches.  
I usually do them at night.  But spaced.
Only this morning I didn't realize that I had spaced.  
Just thought they were in the fridge waiting, as usual. 
I get anxious about being late to school and the traffic because of the rain.  
Our first real rain this season.
People don't drive well in Southern California when it rains.

Then I remember my son's bike was left outside.  
So I had to add bringing it in and wiping it down
so it won't rust to my already running behind schedule.

Youngest child doesn't like mornings.  Plain and simple.  Would prefer to stay cozy in bed.

And none of them want to eat in the morning.  
They're not hungry.
But to be a proper mother I need to feed them.  
I go through the effort.  Yet they barely touch the food.
And I fear they won't learn well as they discover they truly are hungry and are distracted by the growl in their tummies.

We're searching for umbrellas we haven't needed in months.
Kids aren't dressed warm enough so I'm running back for jackets.

Oldest has a five chapter social studies test, 
I'm telling him to get the notes we worked on last night to study in the car.
He thinks he's good.  
He doesn't like to study.
I fear he will fail.  
I'm learning not to own the things that are his.  
But I still feel responsible.

Middle child gets frustrated by her seatbelt.  
She wants to do it herself, but it twists and gets stuck.  
I try to help her and somehow hurt her hand.  
No idea I even touched her hand.

She's crying.  
I'm a bit exasperated by all of it and am asking 
everyone to please just stop.
Stop the crying, the complaining, the protesting.
And I fear I am not setting a good example.
Not being a good Proverbs 31 woman, 
whose children arise and call her blessed.  
Because I'm not being so patient anymore.

Oh and did I mention my husband had to leave at 5 a.m. to fly
out of town on a job.
A job he told me about last night.  

Then I say I'm sorry that mommy was frustrated.  
And I pray and say lets start again ok.
And I have adult worries on my mind, the kind that I cannot share with my kids.
But they impact my patience, I know.

I'm asking the Lord to center me.  To bring me peace.

And then my daughter says, "I think I swallowed my tooth."
I'm now driving.  I turn around and say, "What?"
She says, "It's gone.  I don't know where it is?"

I then see it sitting on her lap.

And we all laugh.  
And the kids cheer.
Excited that it finally came out.
This child would not pull it at all.
She literally let it fall out all on its own.
She has patience like you wouldn't believe.
I think it's a gift.

And the rest of our drive was spent having her
test out the funny sounds she could make
saying things like
Susie sells seashells by the seashore.

And I have to trust my son will remember 
what he needs to for his test.
My kids won't catch all the sicknesses going around AGAIN.
My appointments that need to get rescheduled won't be a problem.
I'll have time to balance it all.

I have imperfect mornings.  
Little fears that add up and I get anxious 
when I know I need to quiet my mind.  

Because we are to cast our cares on Him.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, 
for he cares about you."
1 Peter 5:7

It says right there ALL your worries
That means, the little and big.  
Rational and irrational.

And that is why I love this part of Zephaniah 3:17 that says. 

"He will quiet you with His love."

I just have to meditate on this... a lot.

And then on the way home I see a car overturned completely 
on a busy street I drive every day.  
It just happened.  
I called 9-1-1to have an ambulance on its way.  
It didn't look good.    

And I felt fear for that person.
Praying they're ok.
And putting my little fears into huge perspective.

1 comment:

hill said...

i love, love, love this post. thank you for being so real and vulnerable and honest.

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